by Jian Farhoumand.
Now, before all the angsty, free-lovin’ hippies out there
get their collective, unwashed knickers in a twist, I’m not knocking those who
choose to practise (gulp…) polyamory. No. My gripe is simply with the
word itself: Polyamory. It’s nonsensical. Plus thoroughly
exasperating.
English words of this kind are traditionally rooted in
either Ancient Greek or Latin. Either/or. Not both. For
example, the practice of having one lover or spouse is usually referred to in
English as 'monogamy'. That’s because ‘monos’ means ‘one’ in Greek, and ‘gamos’
means ‘union’. So a monogamous person is someone who has only one partner.
Concurrently, you can refer to having multiple lovers or
spouses as being 'polygamous' because ‘poly’ means ‘many’ in Greek.
(See other words composed of two Greek stem words like polygon, polytechnic,
polystyrene, etc.). Polyamory, however, is just
rubbish. Polyamory is a poorly-constructed non-word that doesn’t know where it
comes from. A bastard child of the lexically inept.
Why? Because the ‘poly’ part is Greek but the ‘amory’ part
is Latin (Latin!) for ‘love’. This nonchalant juxtaposition of
two stem words from two totally different ancient tongues is a huuuuuge no-no
in linguistic terminology. It’s not just disrespectful, it’s dumb. It
doesn’t make you sound cutting–edge, informed or hip. No. On the
contrary, it makes you sound like a lazy-minded, dim-witted nonce.
If you’re truly desperate to use the -amory part (which is
itself a duff, cringe-worthy, technically incorrect stem word anyway) then, for
the love of God, just say that you’re into 'multi-amorousness' (still an ugly,
clumsy word), or describe yourself as 'multi-amorous'. Why? Because
‘multi’ is Latin for ‘many’ (think multiple, multi-faceted, multifarious,
etc.), and therefore links correctly with the second Latin stem word ‘amory’.
But 'polygamous' (or even 'polyphilic' if you
want to be super-specific), would be what you’re really trying (and failing) to
say, as here the composition is solely (and properly) of two Greek stem words.
Polyamory, however? HELL NO. Its creepy, irksome
creation is tantamount to mind-numbing, blood-boiling, God-awful, molten crud
being poured down the throat of history. Its existence is a slap in the
face of the evolution of language and a disgusting, puss-filled boil on its
arse.
Now, right here, some clever-dick reader/internet troll
might pipe up with, “But television comprises both a Greek
word and Latin word, and has been widely accepted into common usage!”
True, but there’s a reason for that: the ‘tele’ part
means ‘far’ in Greek, and the ‘vision’ part comes from the Latin verb video,
meaning ‘I see’. The reason the inventors of the television had to come up
with this word, I imagine, is because the Greek word for seeing, ‘skopos’
(which can be translated directly as 'sight', 'aim', 'purpose' or 'watchman'),
was already being used on an earlier invention, the ‘telescope’ – a device that
helped us see far.
So telescope was taken. Polygamy, however, already
exists for talking about people who have many lovers or spouses, and does the
job just fine. There could even be an argument for introducing a new
word, polyphilia, into the English language, too, if you
really want to separate the people who love many unions from the people who
love just having multiple random partners but not proper unions.
Polyamory, however, is just wrong. Don’t use it and
don’t make excuses for it. Saying, “I’m polyamorous,” truly reveals the
paucity of its user’s mind. It reeks of ignorance. It’s almost
exactly the kind of puerile prattle you’d expect from a seventeen-year-old’s
first ever A-Level Sociology essay: "Polyamory [sic] in
the online dateing [sic] world."
Polyamory – it’s a bit like a Fisher Price ‘My First Big
Word’, if such a thing existed. A word invented in universities by
pseudo-intellectuals who’ve probably never had multiple lovers throughout their
entire lives, let alone several at once. Utter tripe.
According to my spellcheck, polyamory doesn't even
exist. Right now it’s underscored with an angry red squiggle in this Word
file as I write it. Even Bill Gates wants nothing to do with it.
If you really want to say you fancy a shag with randoms
(or repeats), just say you’re into 'sleeping around', 'having fun', 'keeping it
casual', etc. Or, just say you’re into polygamy. That’s the proper word –
the big boy’s/big girl’s word. Or even polyphilia, like I explained.
But whatever you do, don’t use naff,
made-up words to sound clever that actually make you sound
stupid. Otherwise you'll just look like someone who recently scored a C in
their Sociology A-Level, enrolled at some jumped-up ex-poly (no pun intended)
to do a pointless degree in Gender Studies with Political Thought and who now
likes to throw around dumb, mixed-up words like ‘polyamory’ in the union bar as
well as on your OkCupid profile that nobody reads anyway.
Why? Because NOBODY
CARES. You’re not sleeping with a single hottie, let
alone many. Get over yourself.
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